After writing my last post on intrusive thoughts, many people asked about feelings, which got me thinking. Just like thoughts, we spend so much energy and mental effort trying to control our feelings, avoid the ones we don't like and keep the ones we like.
Often when we are happy we think 'what am I doing right so I make sure I always stay this happy?' or when we are sad we employ a manner of techniques to get us happy, from innocent ones such as counting your blessings to more harmful coping strategies which give us temporary relief before we inevitably feel sad again.
And then we feel bad on top of the sadness at our inability to get out of that negative state. We feel we are to blame, we are not doing enough, we are at fault.
Why do we feel that way? Part of the reason is growing up, we keep getting told by society that feelings are controllable. Innocent statements like 'cheer up', 'there is nothing to worry about', 'just be positive' make us feel like feelings are a choice and it is simply a matter of choosing the 'correct' feeling.
But this is harmful on two levels.
Firstly, feelings are not in our control despite what we may think. Consider a physical injury- if your leg hurts, would you blame yourself for not being able to just choose for it not to hurt? Of course not! You recognise it hurts and you just accept the pain and sit with it and wait for it to pass. The same goes for feelings. Accepting your feelings as 'there' rather than trying to figure out why you feel this way and 'fix' it is the best way to allow your feelings to pass.
Secondly there is no such thing as 'good' and 'bad' feelings. By vilifying feelings we become scared to feel them which exacerbates their power when we do feel them and makes them stickier. Feelings are feelings! They are human. We cannot go through life avoiding 'bad' feelings and only having 'good' ones. So while it seems like the hardest thing to do, accepting our feelings, not judging them as 'bad' and not judging ourself for having them is the best way to not give them power.
So here are some practical things you can do next time you have 'bad' feelings:
Allow them to be there. Don't act on the impulse to get rid of them. Just like you don't try to will yourself into choosing not to feel pain in your leg
Don't try and figure out why you feel this way. It doesn't 'mean' anything you feel this way. It is a feeling, chemicals in your brain. Trying to find an explanation is futile. Your explanation will probably be wrong and make you draw negative conclusion. Furthermore, even finding an explanation will not help it go away. If you know you feel pain in your leg because you hit a piece of furniture does that help it go away quicker?
Don't judge the feelings. Sadness, for example, is not something to be avoided at all costs. You cannot go through life without feeling it. And that is okay
Don't judge yourself. Do you judge yourself for feeling pain in your leg? You may judge yourself for accidentally hitting your leg against some furniture but you accept the actual pain. You don't think 'why am I feeling this pain and why can't I get rid of it, I am pathetic'! Because you know that the pain is there and there is little you can do about it but just wait it out. It is the same with feelings.
Good luck and I hope these help :)
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