One of the hardest things in life is learning not to seek other people's approval. From young we crave approval, we crave to be liked, to be wanted. And that makes perfect sense- nobody wants to be left all alone! There is evolutionary benefit to us having a support group around us as in the past predators were less likely to attack if there was a big cohesive group. But what happens when seeking approval becomes so important it impacts on our life and self-worth? When we would do anything to be liked, even things we don't approve of ourselves?
The problem here is that often, in the desire to be liked and approved, we start acting in ways we hope would get us to be liked. In high school I so badly craved to be liked I would do anything that people wanted. As a result I came off as a push-over and desperate to prove I was one of the 'in-group'. Needless to say 'popular' was not a word you would have used to describe me.
So how do we act around people when, on the one hand we want to be liked and on the other, we know that wanting to be liked can make us come off in off-putting ways?
In the book 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway', it is outlined that our biggest fear in life is not (insert specific outcomes here- (e.g. being accepted)) but our belief that we cannot cope with those outcomes. That's right. What you fear is not that you would not be liked by a group of people, but that you cannot cope with it. You don't fear someone not thinking you're funny enough, but that you cannot cope with it. You don't fear being rejected to the party, but that you cannot cope with it.
Now of course rejection and feeling disliked hurts but how much easier would it be to navigate relationships if you believed deep inside that no matter what happens you would be able to cope? That you would be okay no matter what outcome? Wouldn't you approach social situations far more bravely and be more relaxed and calm?
As hard as it is, keep reminding yourself you can cope with absolutely anything. Humans are very resilient creatures. It doesn't mean you go out of your way to be disliked. It doesn't mean you 'accept you will be disliked'. It doesn't mean you want to be disliked. No. You still are allowed the most human desire of wanting others to like you. But you approach it with the strength of the knowledge that whatever happens, you can cope.
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