Hello again!
I hope you enjoyed my post last week about self-compassion and I hope it gave you insight into how it can be helpful rather than harmful.
So lets say you are sold and want to be more self-compassionate. How do you actually go about doing it?
Well the good news is that it is not as airy fairy as it may sound, there are three concrete elements that you can start to apply in your life straight away and get the benefits from self-compassion!
Self Kindness vs Self Judgment
How do you treat your friends when they fail? Do you scream at them and insult them to make them succeed? I am hoping you don't because chances are if you did, they would not be friends for much longer!
OK how about yourself?
If the answer differs, perhaps you are not practicing self kindness. Which is sad. Self-kindness is about recognising you're only human, you have flaws, you can't expect to always reach the high standards you set yourself, you are bound to make mistakes. Life is not perfect. Criticising yourself (contrary to what you may think) will not actually get you to achieve the ideal you set out for yourself.
So how do you practically make sure you are practicing self-kindness rather than self-judgment?
Imagine someone you love (lets say your mum or partner) telling you the things you tell yourself. Would they say that? Or imagine telling someone you love the things you tell yourself. If you wouldn't say it to someone you love (and I imagine you want the best for them) perhaps consider not saying it to yourself :)
2. Common humanity vs. Isolation
'This only happens to me, I am the worst, everybody else is talented, I am the only one who doesn't understand this subject/can't do this sport/practice and fail'
Everybody has had those thoughts. But how can that be? How can EVERYBODY be the only one who is a failure?
When we see ourselves as being unique we feel like victims. Set apart from the world. And we don't seek solutions for our problems because 'there are no solutions, this has only ever happened to me'. But believe it or not you are not that special. Which is great news actually because you can trust everything you have felt and experienced so has everybody else! So actually you aren't as bad as you think because the people you are thinking are better than you are also thinking THEY are the worst!
So how do you practically make sure you are practicing common humanity rather than isolation?
Next time you have thoughts about how unique your situation is, try remembering how most likely everybody has experienced a version of what you are experiencing. Think about the population in the world. You are in good company.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Finally when we feel angry at life we tend to get into a spiral of believing our negative thoughts and that brings on even more negative thoughts and beliefs and the cycle continues. Then our situation gets even bigger in our heads and feels worse. That doesn't sound like a great place to work on self-improvement does it?
Mindfulness on the other hand is not about not thinking or not having those thoughts and feelings. It is just about allowing them to be there. That's it. Don't judge them, don't judge yourself, don't try and suppress them or argue them. Let them be there! They can't harm you, they're only thoughts
So how do you practically make sure you are practicing mindfulness rather than over-identification?
Imagine your thoughts and beliefs are different weather patterns outside. Are you judging the yourself because of the weather? Chances are you (correctly) think you have no control over the weather. Getting angry because it is raining is useless, it won't make the rain go away. Getting angry at a thought or feeling you have is just as useless. Similarly, just because it is raining today doesn't mean you draw the conclusion that it will rain for the rest of your life. Same with feelings. Rather than drawing conclusions on yourself or life based on the weather you just accept the weather and keep going about your day, accepting perhaps it's not what you wanted but you have to bear with a little discomfort. Which is okay :)
I hope these tips are practical and can help you in your own life
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