I always hated fighting in a relationship. It upset me when we fought but it also upset me when my partner would do things without taking me into consideration so of course I had to call him out on his behaviour right? That was only fair right?
After years of being in messy relationships I began to learn that in a relationship not everything can have the same value for you. Sometimes things you value will be mutually exclusive and you have to decide for yourself which value takes priority and which you are prepared to give up.
I valued not fighting but I also valued them taking me into consideration. So when they didn't it was inevitable in my mind that we would fight. Only now I see that by calling them out on their behaviour (and subsequently fighting) I was prioritising them taking me into consideration over a conflict free relationship.
Which isnt necessarily bad. But it is important to be honest with yourself about which value you prioritise the most. That way when you are giving up something in a relationship you can be happy knowing that it is because you value it less and are okay to let it go for something you value more.
I wrote a list in the order of how I prioritised my values and for the first time so clearly where they stand and what I was choosing when I chose one at the expense of the other. I asked myself 'Does it matter more for me to get the last word or to have harmony in the relationship?' 'Does it matter that they see things from my point of view more or that they feel I am someone they are happy to open up to?'
Only when I did this and realised that harmony in the relationship was my most important value could I finally let go of the need to call them out when they didn't take me into consideration, which led to a huge improvement in our relationship and ironically made them more willing to spend time with me.
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