Our belief in our inadequacy and inability to succeed largely stems from the feeling of being ‘unique’ or ‘different to’ other people. People only ever show us the highlight reel of their lives which we compare to our internal world and all the anxious, self-doubting, self-hating thoughts and fears we have. This is not a fair comparison as you get no sense of how someone else feels simply by what you see externally. So you assume that since they ‘seem’ successful or happy or popular, they must internally feel that way too. Unlike you, who is sad, anxious and lonely.
Thus you are unable to disprove (is that a word?) the stories you tell yourself about why you failed and why they succeeded. This leads down a vicious cycle of more self-hate and doubt and more failure which leads to more self-hate. You cannot hate yourself into success. Self-loathing undermines any chances you have to succeed and develop.
On the other hand, high self compassion is positively correlated with health and wellness, including greater life satisfaction, social connectedness, curiosity, attachment, security and relationship satisfaction.
It is not the same as self-esteem, which is fragile and hinges on you succeeding. Rather, it is about relating to yourself in a compassionate way, regardless of whether there is something you don’t like about yourself. It is about viewing yourself with a tender heart -much like you would to someone you care about- regarding personal failings, inadequacies and painful experiences.
More relevant to success, high self-compassion has been proven to increase autonomy, resilience, emotional intelligence, personal growth and wisdom, which are essential to success.
So what does all that mean practically?
There are three ways in which you can implement self-compassion straight away and start to see the way you view yourself and your success change.
SELF-KINDNESS
1. Rather than being self critical and seeing yourself as inadequate, it is about treating yourself with understanding.
Technique 1: Try to implement thoughts like:
‘I did my best and for now that is where I am’
‘I can keep trying and will keep getting better’
‘It is okay to not do well at times, nobody is perfect’
2. Rather than having a harsh inner voice that attacks you for weakness, failings or pain, you can notice when things are difficult and treat yourself as you would someone you love.
Technique 2: Write down the thoughts you have about yourself. Now imagine someone you love saying that about themselves. Or imagine saying that to someone you love. Would you feel that’s the best way to help them succeed?
COMMON HUMANITY
3. Rather than simply accepting it when your mind tells you that you’re the only one struggling with difficult life experiences, you can start to see suffering as normal and part of a larger human experience. Recognise that others can relate to experiences in some way.
Technique 3: Rather than feeling self pity and asking “why me?”, you can remind yourself you don’t know anybody’s full story. There may be things they are struggling with you’d never suspect.
Technique 4: Remind yourself ‘this is normal’, ‘everybody experiences every emotion’, ‘emotions like failure and shame can’t only exist for me’
MINDFULNESS
Finally, rather than getting carried away in your internal storyline and emotions, how much you are suffering and how pathetic you are, you can live in the present moment and accept the thoughts are there. But that does not make them true. They are simply there.
Technique 5: Every time you feel bad or have an unhappy thought you can tell recognise it and approach it from the point of view of a scientist curious about yourself as the specimen. They don’t judge what the specimen, but instead just note ‘how interesting that (xyz)’ for example ‘Oh how interesting that I am feeling this way’ or ‘how interesting that this memory came back to me making me feel bad’. And leave it be. Thats it. It’s there. But don’t do anything about it.
I hope these techniques help you in your daily life and pursuit of goals
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