We all depend on people around us- whether our partners, parents or friends- to help us feel better and to be able to rely on when we need them. This is normal and healthy as humans are social animals and we cannot do without it. But have you ever felt you are insecure about whether the other people in your life like you and keep doubting them?
I have struggled with fearing that people will leave me, hurt me, humiliate me or betray me. I would ask for reassurance or try to sneakily get it that I am still loved and important. I would be paranoid that they are only pretending to like me and that soon I will be left alone.
The fear and mistrust of others stems from a deep insecurity I felt inside about myself. In psychology, schemas are cognitive frameworks that help us interpret the world around us. They help us piece together that someone is running for the bus when we see them running towards the bus stop and the bus pulling away, rather than, say, running away from a tiger. This allows us to make sense of our world and process things with incomplete information.
They are normal and healthy. The problem comes when we develop maladaptive schemas and start interpreting our world through the lens of these maladaptive schemas. One such is a mistrust and abuse schema. This schema makes us filter the world and see it as a place that is to be feared. People will leave us, we will be abandoned or hurt by others. So we cope by becoming emotionally dependent on others for fear of being left alone.
So what can we do to overcome this schema?
This schema is rooted in black and white thinking. We tend to think people are good or bad. Seeing the world in shades of gray may help us overcome this thinking. Think back to the last time you were hurt or betrayed by someone. Did you tend to think that they are a bad person and cannot be trusted and humans in general would hurt you? Review that situation- could there have been a reason they hurt you? Perhaps they were in a bad place themselves and got it out on you? Perhaps you misread their actions? When you start to see the nuances of the situation you will be less likely to draw black and white conclusions about 'all people' and realise that the situation was very specific and probably wont happen again.
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