I started talking about schemas in last weeks blog post and today I want to touch on another very common schema- defectiveness and shame.
This schema is driven by the core beliefs of "there is something fundamentally wrong with me" - "I am flawed and defective in some inherent way" "I am not loveable". It gets developed in childhood as a result of the inevitable fact that adults may sometimes hurt us, reject us, ignore us or make us feel bad and can often carry throughout our lives and sabotage relationships.
It is one of the most pervasive schemas, affecting all areas of our lives, undermining us when we seek happiness or meaningful relationships. Carrying around feelings of conviction that something is wrong with us and that we don't deserve love makes us subconsciously avoid or sabotage relationships for fear of proving ourselves right. It is closely tied with depression and low self-esteem as well as driving us to choose relationships where we aren't respected or valued because we feel we don't deserve to be.
There are many ways in which people with this schema overcompensate, from withdrawing socially to becoming very defensive or co-dependent.
So how do you heal yourself from this belief that you are not good enough?
It is not an easy or quick thing to fix as it is caused by and reinforced by many years of messages you have internalised from very young. As such, often you may need a therapist or counsellor to talk to and work through your feelings and past experiences with. But there are several things you can start to do on your own
Start to develop a more balanced view of yourself.
Make a list of your faults and one of your strengths and attributes. Looking at the list ask yourself 'do these faults make me a defective person? Or do they simply make me a normal human being, who has their good side and not so good side?'
It is important to begin to see that you are just like everybody else- a flawed human with both faults and strengths and that makes you just as loveable as every other flawed human on earth.
2. Start to work on your personality faults
Look at your list and decide how you can make small steps to work on and improve on your faults. They aren't set in stone! For example, if you feel you are clingy try to give the other person more time alone gradually. By fixing your faults you can start to get a better sense of who you are and gain increased confidence that you are capable of change.
3. Keep reminding yourself you are normal and your faults do not define you
Write a mantra to yourself and look over it from time to time. Here is a template one if you would like!
Today, I might feel like I am not good enough. But I know that this is my defectiveness schema talking. I am a normal human being, with strengths and weaknesses. My strengths are that I am [x] and [y]. My weaknesses are that I am [x] and [y]. I accept myself as I am, and no longer define myself by my weaknesses. I am a work in progress. I am worthy of love.
Happy reading and I hope these help in getting you to see yourself as others see you!