Everybody knows Freud and Jung but today I want to talk about the third, lesser known psychologist who is part of what is termed 'the founding fathers of depth psychology'.
According to Adler when we feel encouraged, we feel capable and appreciated and this will make us act in a connected and cooperative way. On the flip side, when we are discouraged, we may act in unhealthy ways by competing, withdrawing, or giving up. It is in finding ways of expressing and accepting encouragement, respect, and social interest that help us feel fulfilled and optimistic.
Adlerian psychology posits that it is very important for us to feel social connectedness and we care about being liked and accepted. However, he stresses that it is not our task to make others like us. What does that mean? Have you ever been in a situation where you are (say) meeting a new person and you are worried they wont like you and you try to act in a way that you believe will make them like you more? If so what you are doing is taking over their task. Your task is not to make sure they like you. Whether they like you or not is only their task and decision to make and despite what you may think, you have no control over it. Just as they have no control over your task which is what you think of them.
When I first came across this idea it both scared and comforted me because it means that we are not in control. This means that there is no point 'trying' to get them to like you because simply put, thats their decision and you cannot take over that role from them.
So let go of the need to take over the other person's decision in whether to like you or not, relax, be yourself and trust that it will work out for the best
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