To OCD

I am in a happy relationship. All my life I have wanted the exact person I have now found and it makes me sooo happy that I have him.

But you couldn't let me have that could you?

You have to be there, the third member in our relationship constantly reminding me how he doesn't really love me. Constantly hinting that as soon as he realises how unlovable I really am he will run away.

You're even cleverer and meaner than even that. Because he is so wonderful, I feel loved around him. I feel your words are lies, I don't trust you. But you can't have that, you can't let me be happy. So you whisper even worse thoughts in my head, make even crueler suggestions. That I don't love him enough. Everytime I start to feel okay in our relationship, start to feel like it will be okay you are there reminding me that I will fall out of love. You are there to make me never feel safe.

And unlike when you tell me he wont love me anymore, there is nobody I can seek reassurance from this time. Because maybe you are right. Maybe I don't or wont love him. Maybe this is not meant to last. Maybe I am not meant to be happy.

And I fight you and convince myself you're wrong and it works for a few days and I stop listening to you and it is all fine and dandy. But then you creep back in during the night and there I am again, not able to sleep from your screaming. Not able to relax, not able to trust myself.

Fuck you, OCD