Dear mum,

I am so sorry. You found out about the purging. I wish you didn't. I wish it didn't make you cry. I wish I hadn't done it.

I don't know why I did it, honestly. It was not with the conscious desire to lose weight. It is just because I feel so much self-hate when I eat that I wanted to get rid of that self-hate. It helped ease it for a bit. Gave me a break from the constant screaming in my head.

And I wanted to tell you, I swear I did. I was close to a few times. If you had asked I would have told you. I wish you had asked, I wish you had found out earlier. But anorexia was a gag around my mouth stopping me seeking help. Telling me I would be punished by telling you. Punished by you for purging, punished by her for telling. So I didn't say anything.

I am sorry you found out. I am glad you found out.