Dear Depression,

I’ve known you were there for so long, and now you’ve finally come out of hiding. I’ve wanted to look you in the eye for a long time. When I told people this, they always thought I was ungrateful, they’d say “you don’t want that, you don’t want to hit rock bottom”. And even though I agree that rock bottom is much harder than I imagined, and I have no power to cope with it, oh, and I’m not sure I’ll make it out alive… I’m still grateful you came out. Because now I can see you.

Sadly, other people still can’t. They see my weight gain and my comfort eating, they see my apathy, they get angry and indignant that I am not the same friend I used to be. That I’m no longer holding them up, lifting them up, and keeping my own harrowing pain out of sight. They’re frustrated and impatient and delusional when they point at you and tell me you’re not there, or they see you and runaway, as if you were going to hurt them as well as me. I’m thankful for that. I needed those people to run away. They’ve been treading on me for too long.

Even though other people can’t yet see you, or they deny they can see you, or they charge away at full speed, I’m glad that I can see you. You’ve stolen my comforting cups of tea, my passion for art, my excitement about my friends, my interest in the world. You’ve stolen my daydreams, my drive, my personality. I have no values left. I have no self-worth. No defence mechanisms. Nothing to look forward to and no untainted memories. I’m glad I can see what’s been lurking underneath the foundations of my identity, of the mind and soul I thought was my home.

You’re so tired, depression. You are all the parts of me that never wanted to be here, you’ve come out full force. You’ve stayed a bloody long time, and it’s surreal watching myself respond to you. Sometimes even I don’t believe you. I eat healthy for a week and expect you to go away, like people tell me you will, but you won’t, because you’re depression. You’re all the wails and cries that I silenced, all the hurt that I budged out the way, and now, you are here to stay, and you are causing a massive inconvenience. And I’m glad. I’m glad you won’t move out the way for my future, you won’t skip to the side for my education, you won’t bury yourself so I can go to work, you won’t hide so I can keep my friends, you won’t shift shape into something palatable that I can express to other people. You won’t loosen up so I can enjoy seeing my sister, you won’t be comforted or bribed with attention and kindness, you won’t leave for a second so that I can text back my friend. You won’t sleep peacefully or wake up refreshed.

I’m proud of your conviction. It’s something I never had. I always doubted my sadness, doubted my anger, doubted the pain. If other people couldn’t see it, I couldn’t either. But you, I know you’re here, when no one else sees a thing.

Thank you for making me see you. I know you’ll go away one day.