Dear Bipolar 1,

I was just married. What should have been the happiest time of my life turned into one of the darkest.

You have always been there. Big changes always triggered some reaction from you. Normally, the big change was bad, but not this time. This time I was happy. This time I felt safe. I wasn't though.

At first, I drank to ease the intrusive thoughts. I didn't sleep. My body wanted sex and my mind wanted to make sure my new husband wasn't going to kill me in my sleep. I worked, drank, and had sex. What I thought was the high after my wedding was really you. You were dragging me into the dark by way of euphoria.

Then, I couldn't move. I stopped going to work. I wanted to die so much my whole body just stopped functioning. I hated myself. I was ashamed of where I was. Who I was. My new husband would come home on his lunch breaks to make sure that the reason I wasn't replying to his texts wasn't because I finally gave up. You almost had me there.

But my new husband told me I needed to get help, so I listened. You got a name. I finally started to fight back.

I don't think you know the good that has come from my war against you. My marriage is stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have a community of people who love me more than I knew was possible. I learned how to give myself grace in the hard times and celebrate the good.

There are times when you might think you're winning, but I don't think you know what you're up against.

Sincerely, A Fucking Warrior